January 12, 2016.

I took my 9 month old baby and we left his father, my husband. For months I had been crying out to God. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t allowed to eat or sleep without my husband’s permission. I hadn’t slept in a bed for 15 months. I endured treatment I later found out to be the same torture used on prisoners of war. I was daily cussed at, belittled and put down if I even sneezed louder than my husband thought I should have. I suffered every form of domestic violence at the hands of my husband; emotional, verbal, physical, psychological, financial, spiritual and sexual. I went to marriage counseling by myself, since my husband refused to go. I read every book I could get my hands on about marriage. I asked for marriage advice from family and friends. I prayed to be a better wife. I prayed that if I were a good enough wife, my husband’s cruel behavior would stop. It didn’t. It only ever got worse and worse. I was a broken shell of a woman. I had never felt so alone, unloved and depressed in my life. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore when I caught a glimpse in the mirror. I couldn’t remember what it was like to laugh, feel joy, and be happy.  A week before I left, my husband told me he would be going on a business trip. As clear as day, immediately when my husband uttered those words, God told me “That’s when you’ll leave.” I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t even know what that would mean. I was shocked and wasn't sure what this would mean. But, I also felt complete peace with the decision. 

I knew when I left, that all arrangements had to be done in secret. If my husband found out, he would never let me leave and I didn’t even want to think of what his anger in my choice to leave would cause.  I started packing me and my son's belongings slowly. I put them in boxes and labeled them “Christmas Decorations” or “Craft Supplies”. Labels I knew he would pay no attention to and have no interest in. The day I left, I never planned on getting a divorce. I prayed and hoped that this would be enough to show my husband that I wouldn’t be treated like this and things would have to change. Unfortunately, I was foolish enough to believe him when he promised he had changed and would continue to change. He begged me to take him back. With much hesitation, I agreed to come back only for the weekend. As soon as we walked into our old home, the abuse was worse than ever. I knew then, I could never stay married to this man and would never feel safe in the same room as him.

After police reports, restraining orders, over 30 court dates in 3 years, learning about my abuser's severe mental illness, my PTSD diagnosis and counseling, physical therapy to help with the effects of the abuse, divorce and continued harassment from my ex; my son and I are on the other side of abuse. We are a statistic of surviving domestic violence and not meeting our end because of it. These past years have come with healing, hope, learning to find peace again, real laughter, no longer keeping secrets for an abusive husband and truly feeling joy for the first time in years. I can actually enjoy family and friends without repercussion. I am free! I have never understood freedom and peace in Christ, the way I do now.

Many may read my story and think, “How could you let someone treat you like this?” Instead of “How could a man treat a woman like this?” This is a part of the problem in our society and also our churches, as we address abuse. We ask why a woman would stay in abuse, instead of demanding that men and women treat each other with love and respect. If you have never been in an abusive relationship, there is no way to know how difficult, frightening and dangerous it is to leave an abusive relationship. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving a partner than any other time in a relationship. You read that right...70 TIMES!!! 

Abuse is so common, it is likely that you or someone you know, is in an abusive relationship. In the United States, a woman is assaulted or beaten every 9 seconds. There are more than 10 million abuse victims annually, and those are only the ones reported. Domestic Violence hotlines receive 20,800 calls on a typical day. This is clearly a huge crisis in our country, our neighborhoods, our churches and our homes. The best thing you can do is listen to someone who tells you about abuse or anything that sounds like abuse in their home. Be aware that things are exponentially worse in reality, compared to what they are brave enough to share with you. Most victims of abuse do not even know that they are in an abusive relationship. They have been so brainwashed by the abuser, they often feel that they deserve their abuse. It is also such a common, daily occurrence that the abuse has become their “normal.” Ask this person if they are safe and reassure them that the way they are being treated is not okay and not normal in a healthy relationship. This is important considering they are most likely told on a regular basis that it is in fact normal and they do deserve the treatment they receive. 

God’s heart absolutely breaks for this horrific treatment of His children, as should ours. Spousal abuse is just as common in the Christian home as anyone else’s. Pastors need to acknowledge that domestic abuse in the church is a problem, and learn how to counsel women wisely. The church cannot continue to leave domestic violence issues to be sorted out by secular agencies. I don’t even know what it would look like in the church, but I do know that I myself have felt lost when it comes to being an abused divorcee in the church. God is love and so is the church that is an extension of His body. I hope to one day be a part of a movement in the Christian community to address this issue. As for now, I will share my story and hope that you also share this story. The more we talk about domestic violence, the more victims will realize that they are not alone and find the strength to speak out themselves.